trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So much rum. So many feels.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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