You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
