you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize