Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
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