i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
