doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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