I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize