some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
