She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
