I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The air was thick with penises
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
