I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
