He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
