I want you more than these girls want KFC
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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