i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
