I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize