Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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