I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
