Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
