So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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