Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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