I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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