he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
