Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
