last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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