can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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