She's JV to your varsity
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
