He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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