September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
