I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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