There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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