cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think I won the penis lottery.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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