how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
