I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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