i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
