I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize