I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
