I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
