Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
