I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
