The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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