You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
