Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize