So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
