I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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