don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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