I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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