I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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