my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
