So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
being pregnant is like rehab
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
