Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
