Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
