I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
