# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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