come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
