There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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