i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
